Ode to Ridley, Part 1

And so begins my 3 part Ridley Scott movie review. The first RS movie I will be reviewing is Legend. Now, I know what you're thinking,"Isn't Legend the best fantasy movie ever made?" The answer is damn skippy.

Legend is part of my 80's fantasy holy trifecta; the other 2 movies being The Dark Crystal and Labyrinth.

Legend is about The Lord of Darkness (Tim Curry) trying to create total darkness on earth (aka Goblin Paradise) so he can be all-powerful. In order to do this he must kill the 2 existing unicorns on the planet. Well, he doesn't necessarily have to kill the unicorns, rather remove their alicorns. It is up to the nature boy Jack (Tom Cruise), The Gump (a little German dude), 2 elves, and a sassy little fairy to stop him.

That is the main plot of the movie, which I think is solid. It's the perfect fantasy formula. The sub-plot is about the relationship between Jack and Princess Lili (Mia Sara). She is a princess for those of you who refuse to acknowledge the director's cut. But we'll get back to that issue. To further the sub-plot, the Lord of Darkness is also after Lili, probably because she was the hottest princess in any movie ever made.

This is 1 of 2 movies I like Tom Cruise in. His performance is fine. I think the movie makes him seem better than he actually is. Tim Curry was born to play the part of Darkness. I can't think of anyone better. Mia Sara was the second girl I fell in love with all because of this movie. She was great and really showed some range. She had to play sweet and innocent at the beginning of the film, frightened and confused in the middle, and dark and evil at the end. But my favorite performance of the whole film was Robert Picardo as Meg Mucklebones. Classic!

The characters of this movie are rich and vibrant. This is in part due to the acting, but maybe even more so due to the atmosphere and f/x of the movie. The atmosphere is something that Ridley Scott excelled in during the 80's. The sets and cinematography are grand and really bring the viewer into that world.

The special f/x of the 80's are my favorite kind, meaning no CGI. The makeup for Darkness, Blix, and Meg is some of the best ever. If this movie were made today (by people other than Jackson or del Toro) then those characters would have been completely CGI. The slime on Blix's face during the beginning while talking to Darkness, oh how it glistens!

Now let's get down to business: Theatrical release versus Director's cut. This is my favorite part to talk about. If you're like me, you grew up with the American, Tangerine Dream, theatrical release. I fell in love with this movie. Although I've always thought the soundtrack seemed out of place. For the longest time I thought I was going crazy though. I remembered a scene from this movie from when I was young but wasn't in my theatrical release VHS when I was older. I remembered the Meg Mucklebones scene being longer than the one on my VHS. After years of research, the version of the movie I had originally seen was the PBS cut which is basically the theatrical version with a few extended scenes including the MM scene. I also found that there are 5 confirmed cuts in all.

I was introduced to the director's cut in 2005. This version has extended scenes all over the place as well as just flat out new scenes. It also had re-edited versions some of the same scenes. The first time I watched this version I thought it was stupid and thought I never would watch it again. But I had to watch it again mainly because it has the extended Meg scene which is my favorite. After about 12 viewings, I find the Director's cut superior. The only thing I really don't like about it is Lili's singing scenes. While I miss the Tangerine Dream score, the Jerry Goldsmith score is much more appropriate for a fantasy film and adds to the ambiance. The Tangerine Dream score dates it. And we finally find out that Lili is a princess! This has always slightly confused me in the theatrical release. I new she was upper class but wasn't sure about her specific status. Also, on the bonus materials on the Ultimate Edition DVD, there are deleted scenes that I wish were included in the actual movie. Fun fact: There were actually 4 goblins at the beginning who were searching for the unicorns. We see how the 4th one dies as well as how Blunder gets his claw hand.

The only real complaint I have about the movie is this: When the heroes enter the layer of Darkness, the goblins are no where to be found. They are literally never seen again in the movie. It would seem to me that they would be protecting the unicorn or the "tree" from intruders. I never have really understood what happened with them.

Again, this movie is the best fantasy movie of all time; yes, even better than any of the Lord of the Rings movies. Comment if you disagree, I dare you. This is my second favorite Ridley Scott movie. Director's Cut: 9 out of 10. American Theatrical Version: 8 out of 10.

Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it.

This is my first in-depth analysis, and it's covering one of my all time favorites, American Psycho. This will be long, there will be spoilers, vulgarity, and we will rejoice!

Let's start with Christian Bale and his performance. The first time I saw any of this movie was on HBO one night at 2 a.m. I was at a friends house and he was in the other room talking to his girlfriend. I flip the channel over to the "confession" scene when he's leaving a message for his attorney. I thought, "What the hell is this movie?" When he spoke the line, "I guess I'm a pretty sick guy," then laughed; I knew I needed to watch the whole movie. That's when my love affair began. I went out and bought the movie and the book.

Back to Christian Bale, his performance as a shallow, serial killer in the 80's matched the books character almost perfectly. I read he got his inspiration for the part after watching an interview with Tom Cruise. He said that Cruise had a very happy demeanor but there was no feeling behind his eyes. That sounds exactly like Patrick Batemen. I believe this to be Bale's best performance to date.

While we're talking about acting, there wasn't a poor performance in the movie. They didn't have huge name actors. Willem Defoe was probably the best known at the time. Reese Witherspoon and Jared Leto were famous but still not huge at that time.

If you haven't seen this movie, then stop reading this, go rent it or stream it off the web, then come straight back to this post. Here is the story line for all of you poor souls who are missing out. The year is 1987. The movie starts as 4 businessmen are eating at a fancy restaurant. They are basically talking about nothing. One of them mistakes a person in the eatery for another guy they work with, Paul Allen. At the end of the scene the check comes and they all pull out their American Express cards to pay for dinner. This opening scene sets up some ongoing themes for us: 80's greed and status symbols, self-absorption, and mistaking people for other people. Patrick Batemen is a very wealthy businessman by day and a serial killer by night. The movie follows his life as he tortures hookers, murders co-workers and bums, and avoids a detective, all while trying to maintain the ultra-sleek 80's businessman image. It's because of the ongoing themes mentioned above that he is able to get away with everything he does. He even confesses to his lawyer all of his horrible crimes, but he is mistaken for someone else, so his "confession has meant nothing."

This is probably the best time to talk about Mary Harron as well as the actual book written by Bret Easton Ellis. Mary Harron made the classiest adaptation of the book as possible. She did wonderful in her direction of the scenes and actors. Both her and co-screenplay writer, Guinevere Turner, did a great job at encompassing dialog from the book into the movie. But there are 2 main differences between the movie and the book. And, yes, I know, there are always differences between books and movie adaptations. But let's explore these differences.

The first difference is the killing and the torturing. The book is more vivid and descriptive of all the violent things Patrick does to his victims. There are also many more victims in the book than we see in the movie. But for Mary Harron to include all of these elements, the movie would have been X-rated (if you haven't read the book, I highly recommend it, only if you can stomach extreme violence and torture). Both Stuart Gordon and David Cronenberg were set to direct this movie at different points. Considering their other bodies of work, there would have been more violence and gore for sure, but the performances given might not have been as full of substance.

The second difference, and more contraversal, is the portrayal of Bateman's insanity or instability toward the end of the movie. By the end of the movie, you are left wondering if he is actually a serial killer or if all of the things happened only in his head because he is completely insane. The book, however, implies that he is a real, insane serial killer. There have been many debates (on the internet) about which is the truth. After reading the book, I always assumed he was the real deal. But I got my confirmation when in interviews with the director, Harron, and the author, Ellis, they both said he did actually kill all of those people. His insanity shows up in scenes like the ATM/Kitten scene when he thinks the screen of the ATM machine says "Feed me a stray cat." So he attempts to feed the machine a kitten. Don't worry, nothing bad happened to the kitten, but I can't say the same for the old lady who tried to stop him.

Overall, this is the best serial killer movie ever made in my opinion. And it's in my top 3 movies of all time. While I do wish there were more killing scenes and gore, I'm not disappointed in this movie at all. Mary Harron really did create a masterpiece. 10 out of 10... And now, I'll leave you with my favorite lines from the movie:

"You're a fucking ugly bitch. I want to stab you to death, and then play around with your blood."

"I like to dissect girls. Did you know I'm utterly insane?"

"There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable...I simply am not there."

"I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip."

"I have to return some videotapes."

"TRY GETTING A RESERVATION AT DORSIA NOW YOU FUCKING STUPID BASTARD! YOU, FUCKING BASTARD!"

"Harold, it's Bateman, Patrick Bateman. You're my lawyer so I think you should know: I've killed a lot of people. Some girls in the apartment uptown uh, some homeless people maybe 5 or 10 um an NYU girl I met in Central Park. I left her in a parking lot behind some donut shop. I killed Bethany, my old girlfriend, with a nail gun, and some man uh some old faggot with a dog last week. I killed another girl with a chainsaw, I had to, she almost got away and uh someone else there I can't remember maybe a model, but she's dead too. And Paul Allen. I killed Paul Allen with an axe in the face, his body is dissolving in a bathtub in Hell's Kitchen. I don't want to leave anything out here. I guess I've killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of a lot of it, uh some of the girls have seen the tapes. I even, um... I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little. Tonight I, uh, I just had to kill a LOT of people. And I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it this time. I guess I'll uh, I mean, ah, I guess I'm a pretty uh, I mean I guess I'm a pretty sick guy. So, if you get back tomorrow, I may show up at Harry's Bar, so you know, keep your eyes open"

"There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this there is no catharsis, my punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself; no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing."

The Breakdown of Horror

As we progress in our relationship, I want you to know how I classify horror movies. Because, let's face it, horror movies are the only movies that really matter. And honesty is the foundation of a strong relationship.

I've gotten push back on my sub-genre classifications before. So if you don't agree with it, fuck you. Na, just kidding. I'm open to other interpretation.

Monster Horror – The first of all horror movies. Involves monsters either naturally occurring or man-made. Examples: Dracula, Frankenstein, The Wolfman.

Survival Horror – Involves a person or group of people not trying to defeat the antagonist, but rather just trying to stay alive or “survive.” Usually accompanied by an apocalyptic theme. Examples: Night of the Living Dead, Slither, 28 Days Later.

Supernatural Horror – Involves themes of religion, spirits, possession, ghosts, the paranormal, or heaven/hell. Examples: The Exorcist, Poltergeist, The Evil Dead.

Exploitation – Involves torture, rape, nudity, extreme gore, violence, and brutality. Examples: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Last House on the Left, Hostel.

SciFi Horror – Involves themes of aliens, space, and science. Examples: Alien, Event Horizon, The Fly.

Slasher – Involves a psychotic person killing people in a group one by one in gory or unconventional ways. The killer usually is exacting revenge on the people because they hurt the killer or remind the killer of people who hurt them. Examples: Halloween, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street.

Foreign Horror – Any horror movie made outside of the USA. Can use any theme from any other sub-genre. Examples: High Tension, Martyrs, Versus.

Horror Comedy – Can use themes of any other horror sub-genre but will also include as much or even more themes of situational comedy. Examples: Evil Dead 2, Shaun of the Dead, Zombieland.

So now you know just how nerdy and demented I am about horror. I eat, breath, and sleep it. If I could, I'd marry just like Pee-Wee married that bowl of fruit salad. Now get out of my cab!

Xtro...What the hell does that mean?

The next movie on the agenda is a nice little British B-Movie from the 80's, Xtro.

A dad is abducted by aliens, leaving behind his wife and child. He returns to earth 3years later to find his wife is living with a new man. At first we're not really sure why he came back, but the way he came back was awesome. It involves an alien rape scene and a woman giving birth to a grown man. So needless to say it's really classy stuff. This movie was originally banned in many countries, including the USA, because of those scenes.

The acting in the movie is so so, but not too bad. The special effects were typical 80's effects, which in my opinion are good. Much better than CGI.

The plot was good. We eventually find out he has been transformed into an alien and has come to earth to take his son back to his new planet. There were some slow parts and some elements that really detracted from the mood, mainly the midget clown. But for the most part the mood was very creepy and eerie.

The end was very good. Don't worry, I'm not going to spoil it for you. At the end of the day, there is really only one thing that bothered me about the film: What the hell does Xtro mean? They never say this word in the movie or how it relates to the movie. I'm assuming that is what the alien is called. I think that's a pretty safe assumption, but it still bothers me for some reason.

7 out of 10. If you are a horror hound or fan of 80's B-Movies, definitely check this out.

If teenagers are massacred in the woods, does anyone hear it?

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. Let's discuss.

I don't consider this a sequel or a remake but more of a (I hate myself for saying this word) re-imagining. As a side note, whoever in Hollywood that came up with that word is a douche.

The story surrounds 4 teenagers who get lost on a dirt road...blah blah blah. It doesn't start off that original, but when you deal with a remake/re-imagining, what do you expect right?

Right away I wanted all the kids to die. They were awful actors. I don't care what anyone says, Renee Zellweger sucks. I didn't care about any of them. I wasn't invested in their survival whatsoever.

So, I had to turn to the Slaughter family. This time around, Leatherface wasn't the main monster; Vilmer, his brother, was. Now I'm not a Matthew McConaughey fan, but he is what made the movie. He had the best performance in this movie of all the actors, and this was probably the best role of his career. All the best scenes in this movie involved him. When Vilmer chases then subsequently kills Sean...simply a delight.

Vilmer: Well first, I'm gonna kill you. It ain't no fuckin' biggie. Of course it's different for every individual.

Every time I see that part, I get a huge smile on my face. In fact this movie inspired me to cut my own chest with a straight razor (much like Vilmer did with his knife). For the record, I don't recommend it.

His performance carried this movie and really set the tone. He personified reckless, random violence. Torturing and killing for no reason. Running over a person in a truck over and over again. Leatherface, W.E., and Darla all did a great job of supporting Vilmer's insanity.

The end could have been better. It seemed a little misplaced and sudden.

Overall, 7 out of 10. This is the second best of the franchise and probably the only other film in the franchise worth watching.

Post #1 or Sweet Sweet Zombie Love

For my first review, I'll start with a movie from my favorite sub-genre of Horror...Survival Horror. The movie is Lucio Fulci's Zombie. This is probably his most well known movie and one of his best. It's plot is a little more coherent than the rest of his movies. Most of his movies' plots fall apart about halfway through. And it also has some of the best scenes. The shark vs. zombie scene is classic. And arguably one of the best scenes in any zombie movie is the eye gouging scene...Gore Galore! It makes me happy just thinking about it. The zombie makeup is almost perfect. It's much more rich and original than just about any other zombie makeup. I could almost smell the rotting flesh. Mmm, delish.

So, the downside - the acting. Really, Tisa Farrow probably does the best in this one, but it's still not that great. And of course there is the dubbing. Oh how I hate the dubbing. It drives me crazy. There are also some slow parts that probably could have been edited. And again, the plot is a little lost by the end of the movie.

Overall, this is close to a zombie masterpiece and the second best Italian horror movie ever made. That's right, I went there. 8 out of 10.

We're Going to Eat You!!!